December132011

I’ve never felt like this before…

…and I still can’t tell if it’s in a good way or bad way. On the one hand, I’m a wreck. I hate myself. I’m blaming myself for everything. And I probably have every reason to blame it all on me. It is all my fault. She tries to tell me it isn’t, but I know it is, and I know she does, too. I feel like I’ve lost her, but my only enemy was my own inability to say how I feel, my own inhibitions that I’ve grown up with keeping me from exposing me, and how I feel. I tell her I think she’s beautiful. That she’s wonderful. That I think shes amazingly beyond my hopes. That I’m damn close to actually being IN LOVE with this girl, but my fears hold me back, putting an iron ball around my heart, making me not interfere with her life. Then the self-loathing returns, making me put on a brave face and pretend she doesn’t mean everything to me.

On the other hand…well, actually, the first hand is pretty much the same as the second one. Except without the blame and self-loathing. Hearing about her arguments with her boyfriend is a piercing double-edged sword. One side makes me happy, because it puts the stupid idea that they’ll break up in my head. The other side makes me depressed, because the fights make her unhappy. And I HATE seeing her unhappy, no matter the cause. And me being me, I blame myself for her unhappiness. But I guess what I want is her to be happy no matter how it ends up. Seeing her happy makes me happy, because I feel like I cant make her as happy as I used to be able to.

The best I can do is pretend I’m back in the old days, when we always hugged, when we always talked (not just sexting), and I felt like SOMETHING to her. When I mattered to her.

Because now I dont matter to anybody.

7PM
I wish I had this suit. 

That way it’s easier to hide my expressions.

I wish I had this suit.

That way it’s easier to hide my expressions.

December22011

Hey everyone go follow Wai-would-you

August272011
Right behind you, Spidey.

Right behind you, Spidey.

August72011

Happiness is for those who are not me.

I find my mood this week going from amazing to completely shredded. I keep thinking about the people I care about, realizing they don’t think about me nearly as much as I think about them. I’m not saying I have to be on their minds 24/7, but it would be nice to get some feedback every now and then. The people I end up liking either ignore it, ignore me, or do a complete about-face and hate me for no goddamn reason, when all I did was want to say I find you to be beautiful, an my blood pumper kinda stops working for a sec and only restates when I get that initial “hello” from you. I almost find myself wishing alcohol’s blackout effects were retroactive, so I could forget the moments that keep cracking me. The people I involve myself with (not sexually) tend to not give a shit about me or how I’m doing. I’m clearly not okay, and I don’t like to bug people about my problems. This combo usually leads me to post something short and depressing on Facebook. I’m not concerned with people responding to it, but you can see how it’s difficult for me to believe that people care when they comment on my misery with a one word “dislike”.

I’m thinking about shutting down altogether, just smashing my phone, deleting my facebook and tumblr (for all, what, 3 of you?), closing up my reddit account, and just getting as drunk as I can all the time with my cousin I hate oh-so-very much. I’m worried as hell all the damn time, I feel guilty for nothing at any given moment, and it would just be nice to have someone to talk to about how I feel, but I’ve been abandoned by my family and friends, so…

Here I am. For now.

July42011

I was going to be productive today…

…and then Firefly came on.

June162011

Session #4

After Ezra showed the guard his “passport”, he holstered his pistol, and casually strolled into the city entrance. It wasn’t as familiar as he hoped it would be, but after 15 years of being away, he did anticipate some change.

The streets were way busier than they used to be. People flooded the street markets, buying and selling food, services, and spare parts they had laying around. With the additional foot traffic also came additional noise. People were becoming more abundant as they were rising from their beds and beginning their day. Advertisements were shouted and proclaimed from the stores, and conversations rose from a dull roar to a loud scream. It may be louder, but to Ezra, it was still home.

“Baird,” Ezra whispered to himself. “Gotta find Baird.”

Baird had a tendency to stay reclusive, and typically not male himself known to too many people. Ezra didn’t know if it wad because he was anti-social, or just awkward. Baird had always been a good friend, and a nice guy, so Ezra just assumed he didn’t like people. Baird did always have trouble with girls, too, but that’s besides the point.

The city was definitely a little different than what he remembered, so the first thing he decided to do was ask for directions. Baird said he would be in the New Manhattan area, but with everything being different from when he left, he needed to find out if New Manhattan still existed. Ezra walked over to a shop he recognized, and hailed the current clerk, Peter, a young man he actually knew.

“Hey, Peter!” Ezra waved. “Been a long time, man.”

“Ezra? Ezra Kane?” Peter scratched his head in wonder. “That can’t be you, can it?”

“Of course it is, Peter!” Ezra said. “God, man, last time I saw you you were barely at my waist!”

“You don’t look any different than before,” Peter noted, looking Ezra up and down. “Like, at all.”

“Mother Nature likes me, I guess,” Ezra said. “I mean, she must, after that glorious night we had together.”

“Uh huh,” Peter humored Ezra.

“How have you been?”

“Well, I’m fine, I suppose. Things jut started picking themselves back up around here, so folks are trying to live their lives again.”

“Picking back up?” Ezra looked around the market. “What do you mean? What happened?”

“People have been pretty…worried. Lately, resistance groups have been popping up around the city. Folks have been lining up around the block to get involved, but parents have been holding up their kids, practically tying them to a tree to get them to stay home.”

“What’s got them so worried? Who’re they resisting?” Ezra asked.

Peter’s face went blank, and he looked around slowly. “It’s not really a good idea to mention it right now. Come by later, I’ll explain more.”

Ezra didn’t fully understand Peter’s caution, but he respected him enough where he didn’t press the issue. “Alright, Peter, I’ll come by later. Oh! I almost forgot. The city is different than I remember, is New Manhattan still around?”

“Yeah, it is,” Peter said. “Hold on, I’ll get you a map.”

Ezra couldn’t have looked more like a tourist. His face was twisted in a look of confusion and more confusion, and he was constantly tilting the map in every direction. Not only were Peter’s handwritten notes messy, Ezra recognized nothing, so using landmarks to gain a current location was pointless. Regardless, he pressed on, hoping to eventually find his bearings, and maybe Baird while he was at it. It was beginning To get darker out, and Ezra had no place to stay. He figured he should double-time it to where Baird’s place might be, so he eeny-meeny-miny-moed which street to take.

Ezra’s face was still stuck in the map when he started down the narrow street, but his ears perked at the sound of a woman yelling. He wrenched his eyes to see a young brunette woman being hassled by three men in uniforms.

“Get the hell off of me! Do I look like a fricken’ hooker, man?” she yelled.

“I don’t care if that’s not your job in the day. Tonight, you do what we say.”

“Fuck you! I’m not doing anything with you guys! Get OFF!”

The girl pushed the soldier away, and swung her right arm into a hook, catching him right on the jaw, flooring him. The others weren’t as impressed at her finesse as Ezra, and after helping their friend up, they grabbed the girl and were struggling to subdue her.

Ezra sighed, annoyed at his own soft spot for women. He folded the map up carefully and put it into his coat pocket.

“I think you better leave that little lady alone,” Ezra said loudly. “She seems pretty adamant in her position of you not violating her.”

The three soldiers turned and faced Ezra.

“Can’t imagine why though, ugly mugs like yours.”

“Hey, screw you and stay out of it, punk!” one of them shouted back. “Or you’re next!”

“I’m next? So, and orgy now, is it? I’m not so sure I swing that way, pal.”

The closest one started walking rapidly towards Ezra. “Did you not hear me, asshole?”

“Looks like we’re skipping the foreplay, then,” Ezra sighed. He grabbed the soldier and flipped him over his head, making a loud grunt and thud behind him. He ran at the other two soldiers and punched one in the cheek, practically shoving him with his fist at high velocity away from the girl. Still in stride, Ezra grabbed and pinned the third man to the ground with his knee, and in half a flash he pulled out his black pistol and aimed it at one of the potential prowlers.

“None of you know how to please a woman, do you?” he tisked.

“What the fuck, man?” the first soldier groaned, getting back up.

“Look, it might be the alcohol in me, but I’ll give you guys one shot to get the hell out of here,” Ezra said, waving his gun towards the exit.

“Hey, screw you, man!”

Ezra rapidly pulled the trigger on his pistol, dropping the two in front of him. He twirled the gun on his index finger for a moment.

“You know what I just remembered?” he asked the soldier under his knee.

“What?” he gasped.

He pushed the gun against the soldier’s temple.

“I haven’t had anything to drink today.”

Bang.

Ezra put his pistol away, and offered his hand to the girl, who was siting against the wall. She took Ezra’s hand, and stood.

She was very beautiful, so Ezra saw the soldier’s reasoning for their pursuit of her. Her brown hair was undone, probably in the scuffle, and her green eyes seemed to glow in the dwindling light. She had a sturdy body, not being very dainty like other women Ezra has met.

“Thank you,” she said, brushing herself off. “You saved me a great deal of ass-kicking.”

“Anytime,” Ezra smiled.

“I’m lucky you came when you did. Another minute or so, and…”

“You’re lucky I came down here when I did. I randomly picked this road to walk through.”

“You’re not from around here, I take it?” she asked.

“Well, ah ha, no. I’ve been here before, it’s just different than when I remember.”

“Well, since you saved me, I could offer you directions,” she petitioned.

“You could offer me your name, first,” Ezra laughed.

“Faye.”

“Ah. Well, Faye, you wouldn’t happen to know where a man by the name of Baird lives, do you?”

Faye’s smile vanished, and her tone was very serious.

“As a matter of fact,” she peeked around the corner. “I do.”

June92011

Session #3

Napoleon stood there at the console, letting her ears soak in the sound of the static that came from the radio. It looked as though she was trying to get something out of the noise, like a sign or a hidden message. She slowly closed her eyes and took off the headset and placed it back on the terminal it was resting on. Without opening her eyes, she quickly undid the tie in her hair, shook her head and let her shoulder-length, dark black hair fall where it may.

 She turned around very slowly and opened her eyes to see her men all looking at her with mixed expressions of fear and curiosity. The name “Ezra” had sent her into a blank state of mind, almost as if the thing itself froze her. She sighed deeply, which everyone took as a sign to return very quickly back to their work. The only one left standing in front of her was Dr. Ned, who wasn’t sure whether he was more curious or concerned for his sovereign. He slowly walked a bit closer to her, trying to see if he could help. She put her hand up and with her other hand, rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“Do we know where that signal came from?” she said at last.

“We’re working on that, High Evolutionary,” Ned replied. “When it was cut off, it must have broken, because we can’t seem to trace it. In a short time, though, it will be found.”

“Move on from the signal,” Napoleon said, adjusting her coat. “Whoever it was has moved on by now, far away from that point.”

“Very well, High Evolutionary.”

 ”We’re going to need to get ahead of him, catch him before he causes any more damage to the people.”

 ”Should we put out a reward for him?” Dr. Ned asked. “There are a lot of bounty hunters in this city, perhaps they…”

 ”I appreciate your zeal, Dr. Ned, but there is no need to involve cowboys just yet. He isn’t that big of a threat, and for all we know this was a one-time incident.”

Napoleon wandered away from Dr. Ned towards the enourmous window on the far wall of the Comm Center. The window took up the entire wall, and it gave a wonderful view of the vast city of Milele. It was a little more than three times the size of 21st century New York, but it filled with more promise than any other metropolis before it. Over the last 15 years, Napoleon has spent her time building this empire of hers up from nothing save for a few misguided ideals and a couple of bullets. She has guided the development of new methods of thinking, new technologies, and new eras of peace. It’s been given the label “New Reinassance”, a new golden age for humanity.

But never had Napoleon herself felt anything in all those years of progress. Nothing but pure, quiet rage.

Dr. Ned stood behind his leader, and wordlessly reached out to help her. He put his hand on her shoulder, comforting her.  Napoleon turned around, and softly placed her hand on the doctor’s bony, smooth hand.

“It’s alright,” she said, chuckling a little. “I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, concerned. “I very much doubt that you are okay.”

She smiled, and turned back to the window. “Me, too.”

June12011

Session #2

Ezra’s sword was stuck. But he couldn’t tell in what; the ground he just put a small crevice in thrusting his sword into, or the skull of the man he just shoved his blade in to. 

Meh. Doesn’t matter. 

Ezra pulled a little harder, but the damn thing still wouldn’t move. 

“C’mon, buddy,” he said to the lifeless skull. “I would really like to get this back. I kinda need it.”

He put both of his hands on the handle, and pulled up, grunting really loudly. His face probably looked pretty funny, too. He was careful, though, to not release and turn the handle, because the thrust from the engine inside the sword would probable force it further into the ground.

Ezra was getting frustrated now.

“Come on, guy, let go!” he yelled, pulling out his pistol. “I said, LET GO!!!”

Ezra opened fire on the ground around the sword, pulling the trigger so fast it was like a machine gun was firing at full speed. As he was blowing away the ground, bits of it and the body were flying all over the place. He was yelling the whole time, probably in an attempt to feel badass while shooting the ground. Eventually, it came lose, and he pulled it free with chunks of the ground still attached to it.

“Huh. It was stuck in the ground.” He looked at the remains of the remains of the dead soldier. “Sorry, guy.”

He holstered his pistol and checked his sword, Faraday. It was a marvel of combat and machinery. It was weighted perfectly for Ezra, as strong as graphene, and sharpened to perfection. None of these things made it stand out all that much. At least, not like the small engine it had inside it. Faraday had it built-in mini motorcycle engine, which, when the handle was released and turned, gave the sword extra thrusting power, making almost impossible to block. Ezra rarely needed it, but it still comes in handy.

After Ezra’s inspection was done and he was satisfied, he put the sword on his back, and stood up. He examined the distant city of Milele, marveled by how its beauty was preserved despite Ezra being gone for a few decades. The sun was just rising, and a new day was slowly making its way into the eyes of the Milelen citizens.

Ezra turned and looked at what his latest handiwork has brought. All over the ground lay dead soldiers, men who were working for Napoleon. And all at once, Ezra was reminded of why he was coming back into the city. He had to find Napoleon, and find her, fast. But first, he wanted her to know he was back. He owed her that much. He began to search the bodies around him, hoping to find a…there one was. A radio.

He turned it on and was surprised to find it still working. He had thrown this man to the ground pretty hard.

Ezra cleared his throat, and pressed the call button.

“…help…help me,” Ezra groaned. “I…need…help…”

“Breathe, soldier!” A familiar voice replied. “Stay calm! What’s going on?”

“We…we were attacked. He took us all…last one left…” he was really milking it.

“Who? Who did it? Who was it!”

Bring it on home.

“…Ezra…his name…is…Ezra.”

And for the grande finale, he dropped the radio and smashed it with his foot.

Welcome home, Ezra, he thought.

Welcome home.

May312011

Trim the fat

Okay, I can see how How I Met Your Mother is a successful show, but one logic problem bothers me; Ted spends WAY too long telling his kids how their parents met. Most episodes do not even pertain to Ted’s live life. It should’ve been over in an episode.

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