I’ve never felt like this before…
…and I still can’t tell if it’s in a good way or bad way. On the one hand, I’m a wreck. I hate myself. I’m blaming myself for everything. And I probably have every reason to blame it all on me. It is all my fault. She tries to tell me it isn’t, but I know it is, and I know she does, too. I feel like I’ve lost her, but my only enemy was my own inability to say how I feel, my own inhibitions that I’ve grown up with keeping me from exposing me, and how I feel. I tell her I think she’s beautiful. That she’s wonderful. That I think shes amazingly beyond my hopes. That I’m damn close to actually being IN LOVE with this girl, but my fears hold me back, putting an iron ball around my heart, making me not interfere with her life. Then the self-loathing returns, making me put on a brave face and pretend she doesn’t mean everything to me.
On the other hand…well, actually, the first hand is pretty much the same as the second one. Except without the blame and self-loathing. Hearing about her arguments with her boyfriend is a piercing double-edged sword. One side makes me happy, because it puts the stupid idea that they’ll break up in my head. The other side makes me depressed, because the fights make her unhappy. And I HATE seeing her unhappy, no matter the cause. And me being me, I blame myself for her unhappiness. But I guess what I want is her to be happy no matter how it ends up. Seeing her happy makes me happy, because I feel like I cant make her as happy as I used to be able to.
The best I can do is pretend I’m back in the old days, when we always hugged, when we always talked (not just sexting), and I felt like SOMETHING to her. When I mattered to her.
Because now I dont matter to anybody.
